Echoes of Scribblings Part 3

Hey guys! So I've been meaning to share this with you guys for a while, but kept forgetting too. This is a poem/rap I wrote a while back. It's one of my favorite things I've written and I wanted to share it with you. I'll explain some more at the end of this post but I wanted y'all to read it first. Anyway here it is. It's called behind the walls.

“Behind the walls” 

            I wasn’t made to hide these things 

            To build these walls nah that’s for kings 

            And yet I don’t show this emotion 

            Or the plans I’ve set in motion 

            If you could see behind these walls you’d find 

            A messed up screwed up burnt out mind 

            That doesn’t know the definition of healing 

            Doesn’t know how to deal with all these things 

            All it seems that I ever do 

            Is mess everything up and then I blame you 

            My logic is if you made new 

            Then I wouldn’t be struggling lord what do I do 

            Do I box it all up and make it look nice 

            Even though I don’t know if I can pay this price 

            These scars weren’t free and neither am I 

            The voices are screaming and wondering why

            Why can’t I seem to be honest and open 

            To let everyone know that I’m wounded and broken 

            I show up to church in my nice Sunday dress up 

            An excuse for the times that I won’t step up 

            And face these monsters that I have inside 

            To deal with these thoughts that I’d rather… 

            Than deal with this mess that I call a mind 

            To search for the joy I know I won’t find 

            Stuck with these questions of where were you those nights 

            The nights when it was hard to fight 

            Those things I thought lord was I right 

            When I thought that I was all alone 

            A scared little boy far from home 

            Who knows now how this world works 

            But he’s forgot that grace comes first 

            He judges himself more than anyone else

            And when these feelings arrive he puts them on a shelf  

            To channel them into the music he writes 

            Stuck with these thoughts that maybe he’s right 

            Right in thinking that he’s all wrong 

            That maybe he was that way all along

            

            In his mind all that he’s ever been 

            Is a mess that can’t remember when 

            When the last time was when he felt whole 

            All he feels now is dark and cold 

            Stuck in the rain 

            Stuck with this pain 

            This weight on his shoulders 

            Grows each day he gets older 

            Cause the older he gets the less he can say

            Societal norms say it just goes away

            Just suck it up and keep on living 

            Sometimes this stigma is so unforgiving 

            When he’s at rock bottom at two am 

            All he does in his mind is just condemn 

            Cause he’s not like the rest 

            Not like the best 

            Not like the people he see all around 

            Not like the faces he sees in the crowd 

            Society’s built up this view of success 

            People that don’t reach it are valued as less 

            But how can he reach it when he can’t even sleep 

            This sickness has grabbed him and cut him deep 

            He doesn’t conform to their unspoken laws 

            So they look at him and condemn his flaws

            He’s labeled as weak for something he can’t control                                   

            They say he’s dramatic and he doesn’t even know 

            If what they’re doing is morally wrong 

            He just assumes it’s been that way all along

            Cause all he’s known is this stupid oppression 

            They use his struggle as some sort of weapon 

            Saying it’s his fault for his own mind 

            But he tells himself that all the time

            He doesn’t need them to tell him to step up

            I wish they would open there eyes and wake up 

            To the pain they’re inflicting 

            The walls that they’re building 

            Keeping him out and shutting him in 

            I wish they could see that no one will win

            

            He’s his own worst critic his own enemy 

            All that he ever wanted was his soul to be free 

            But for that to happen he’ll have to unlock his heart 

            Give up the pieces of himself that are falling apart 

            Break down the walls open up to receive

            The grace that he’s looking for the hope that he needs 

            God you know that these scars that I have weren’t free 

            But neither were yours when you hung from that tree 

            Help me to see this from your perspective 

            And to break out of the mold that I’ve found defective

            Break down the stigma that leads to oppression 

            Faith isn’t a cure-all for chronic depression 

            We don’t need more ways to cope with this sickness 

            We need you to see that we aren’t that different 

            So please would you please just show us some grace 

            Cause all that we need is one safe place 

            A place we can come and be brutally honest

            To open our hearts, to remember what’s promised 

            The church wasn’t built for this masquerade 

            It was built to remind us of the price that was paid 

            It was built for a people who are no longer afraid 

We live in a society that values strength and success. And for those of us who simply cannot live up to those standards, it can be really discouraging. But let me remind you of this: 

You are not weak because you are depressed

You are not dramatic just because others people say you are, but can't actually understand what you're going through

Depression is not a lack of faith

The way to deal with it is not set on stone 

And finally, don't judge yourself based on others accomplishments. 

You are strong

Your voice should be heard;

Don't condemn yourself because of this sickness 

Find your own way to heal 

And appreciate every victory, no matter how small. 

Now for a message to those who know someone who is struggling through depression. 

Just take the time to listen to our hurt. Don't ever tell us we're overreacting or just being dramatic because that hurts more than you can imagine. Be there for us when we're hurting. Ask us how we're doing, and don't stop at just the normal "Oh I'm good," but really try and figure out how we're doing. Don't give us tips on how to deal with stuff, give us encouragement and reassure us. Don't be afraid of us. We really aren't all that different, so please just give us some grace when we fall. Be patient with us as we learn to deal with this struggle. Be there for us on the nights when we cry and when we feel like the world is falling apart. Just be there for us to hear our hurt.  

If y'all have any more suggestions for how to help out a friend who's going through depression, post them in the comments!