Echoes of My Story

I felt the lord leading me to write this, the next post I do will hopefully be the next one in the series of the more excellent way. 

1 Corinthians 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

Recently I began reading a book that I've only read once before. It's called Radical, by David Platt. It's an amazing book! And as I'm reading it the lord reminded me of how he changed my life through this book three years ago. And I thought maybe it's time to share my story. So that's what this post is going to be, my story. 

It starts when I was 4, I remember the day exactly when it started. I had been misbehaving in church and my mom took me into one of the rooms that they weren't using at the time and she disciplined me. And I don't know what happened after that but I ended up getting saved that day, or so I thought. Skip forward three years to when I was 7. Through circumstances in my life I started to really struggle with depression, and I remember I had my first thought of suicide when I was 8. Those next few years were very hard for me, my depression just kept getting worse and worse, I began to be an extremely bitter and hateful person. I hated most everybody in my life at that time. I remember on several occasions I would injure my siblings out of anger or frustration with them. But things really started getting bad when I turned 13. This was probably one of the worst years of my life. My depression deepened to the point where I was contemplating suicide on a weekly basis. I was a mess, a hateful, vengeful, prideful sinful mess who hated all those around him and wanted absolutely nothing to do with the lord. I cried out to God but I didn't see his hand in my life so I rejected him. It was a time where the world constantly seemed dark. Where I ran further and further down a path that I knew was wrong but didn't care if it was or not. I wanted my way and I thought that if I simply did whatever I wanted I would be happy. I remember several instances where I was so close to just ending it all, I thought the world would be better off without me and that no one cared at all how I felt, or anything. 

But then I remember the day it all changed and my life began to turn around. It was a Sunday and our pastor, a man named mr Jenson, was speaking. He was sharing his testimony, and boy was it a testimony! He was one of the kindest sweetest men you would ever meet, yet he used to be a horrible man. He shared that he at one point in his life had contemplated suicide, yet that's when the lord got ahold of him. And as I sat there listening to him, I was almost in tears. Here was a man who struggled with some of the same issues I struggled with, and yet he was one of the most godly men that I have ever met, and to this day he remains one of the most influential people in my life. That moment sent me on a path toward God. You see I thought I had accepted Christ when I was 4 but in truth I didn't understand the gospel for what it truly was till 10 years later. 

The day I first understood it Is a day I will never forget for as long as I live. We were reading the book Radical, we were on the second chapter. It was all about how we as Americans water down and dilute the gospel till it's not affective anymore. But the way he described it in his book was amazing. He first pointed out how depraved we are, how completely unworthy and how much judgment we deserve. But then he talked about Jesus, and how he of his own free volition drank the entire cup of God's wrath. Suffice it to say, after 14 years I heard the gospel truly explained for the first time in my life. And the beauty, and majesty of it stuck me and moved me in a way I can't out into words. I saw clearly for the first time, just how evil I was, but at the same moment, in the same second that I realized how depraved and evil I was, I realized just how great, and how powerful and perfect our savior truly is. My heart was flooded not only with the realization of my sin, but with the joy and the desire of almighty grace and mercy. I prayed a simple prayer that day, it wasn't more than a couple sentences but it changed my life. My heart felt free for the first time, my life felt whole for the first time. I felt joy, true joy! For the first time. My chains feel off, my depression, has never returned. I was redeemed that day, and my life has never been the same. I looked at my life through new eyes. My near attempts at suicide, I now saw God's hand holding back my own. Everything that I had ever done I now saw through eyes that were now filled with humility and realization of the grace which was offered me. Every hurt, every pain I realized was God helping me to one day realize just how much healing, how much grace he can offer. I was never the same after that. I not only did a 180 degree turn but I sprinted in the opposite direction, or rather God raced me in the opposite direction. 

That is why that verse I shared at the beginning is my life verse. Because by the grace of God, and only by his grace, I am not who I was, but rather I am who he has made me to be. And as long as I am living his grace, which he poured out and lavished on this wretched creature, will never be put to waste, but I will live and labor in complete submission and complete recognition of who he is and his grace which he's given me. Now this does not mean that I have not struggled with my spiritual walk, I constantly have to remind myself that I have to seek the lord. But what it means is that I I'll always come back to him, no matter how far I walk away, strings of grace and love bind me to his heart and either allow me to find my way back to him by following his chords of grace. Or, sometimes, they let him find me, weary and broken, and he carries me to my true home and reminds me once again of who he is, and how much he gave for me. 

Hear the echoes of a savior calling, calling your heart as he does to all those who truly listen. Hear the echoes of an amazing grace that saved a wretch like me and can save you wherever you are. 

1 Corinthians 15:1-10

Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain.

For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures: And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep. After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.

For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.